Sunday, December 16, 2007

hike in the snow

Well, yesterday I bought a sweet new pack. It's a GoLite Jam2 in Grease. I've been looking and thinking about a new pack for over a year and I finally have some cash...so I splurged and bought it at Extreme Outfitters. And, today I got the chance to try it out.
*The story below may contain false and misleading statements. It is also funny to the author, though few others will laugh while reading. Continue at your own risk and don't tell me if you didn't like it, cause I won't publish your comment anyway.*

Church was canceled to do the snow and the drifting. So, after helping shovel some snow, I grabbed my pack and stuffed it to the brim. I put about 25lbs in it and took off. (For some reason I can't find either of my sleeping bags, so I didn't camp out. But, man, did I want to.)
And so began the adventure. It started off pretty normal. I walked down my road and down to the public access on the Tippecanoe. Then I climbed the hill and wandered around the woods above the access point. After I got bored there, I crossed the road and went in the Kern woods.
That's when things got interesting. I was out, meandering about when I came upon a den of Alaskan Timberwolves. I kid you not. At least 15 of these crazy wolves comes out of their den and start howling. The whole time I'm thinking "Should I run? Should I climb a tree? I can't believe they're gonna tear up my brand new pack...that sucks." Then, I had this brilliant idea. I watched the pack to find the Alpha male. When I figured that out, I went in all crazy ninja-style. I sucker punched that wolf right in the face and then wrestled it to the ground. So now, I have this whole pack of wolves who follow me around like I'm the king of the world. That was pretty sweet. So, we went around terrorizing the other wildlife (mostly rabbits and dear...and one crazy little fox) for about a half and hour. It was a good time, but I had to be on my way, so I gave the howl for them to "head on without me and I'll look you up later." (I learned the language pretty fast. It's based on the Morse Code.)
So, on I hiked, back down pine tree lane to where it butts against my neighbors house. I then headed south across the open prairie. I thought that it might be a good idea to follow the creek that runs along the road, so I made my way through the foot of snow to the edge of the creek. After fighting the 10 foot drifts all along the bank, I decided to tough it out with the winds on the prairie instead.
So, away I went, on towards the sand dunes that I'd loved as a kid. I spent a little time hiking up those molehills (which I had thought were mountains many years ago.) All of the sudden, I notice several tall peaks over near the creek that I would need to cross. So, I went to check them out.
I found a large cave on the biggest of the mountains (which were at least 100 feet tall). As I was poking around, I noticed some seriously big tracks and decided that I'd better high-tail it out of there. The only problem was, the bridge (aka precarious 2x10 plank) was right behind the mountains.
Well, I decided to just try to find another place to cross, rather than mess with the Abominable Snowman who resided in the ice mountains. I found an even more precarious looking bridge made from a fallen tree and decided to give it a go. Long and short of it...I ended up upside down hanging from a breaking tree limb inches from the freezing water. I somehow managed to right myself and scramble up the bank, unfortunately still on the same side of the creek.
I had no choice now. I had to go brave the great beast that lived in the cave. And, so...I headed to what I knew was my certain doom.
I think that stinkin' Abominable must have been watching and waiting because he didn't show himself the entire time I trekked over his mountains. Not until I saw the demise of the old plank did I catch site of him. The plank was no longer in its place (10 feet above the water) but was sitting just submerged below the surface of the water. The Snowman had set a trap.
Suddenly, I had the idea to howl out the "help me, the Abominable Snowman is gonna eat me" howl and call my new pack of wolves. Well, they were quite a ways away and didn't get there immediately, so I stood there trying to decide if I should chance the trap set by the Yeti. Before I knew what I was doing I was standing with my feet fully submerged in the middle of the creek on the plank. I quickly scurried to the other side. I laughed to myself then, because I remembered that Abominable Snowmen are afraid of water. So, I stood on the bank and made fun of the big oaf as he howled and moaned on the other bank. Then I remember the wolves who were on their way and I had mercy on the idiot and called them off with the "nevermind, I whipped that ugly mugger by myself" howl.
And so, I trudged on towards my goal: the tractor at the furniture store to make sure it started so that I could plow tomorrow. After finding the tractor in good shape, I took off for home (by a different route...I didn't want to have to cross that creek to that shamed Abominable. I'm not mental.)
Nothing much happened on the way back (if you consider getting attacked by rabid deer nothing) and I came home to a great meal of ribs, baked mac&cheese, and cookies.

What a day.

-joe

1 comment:

Nigel said...

Jeepers! It sounds as adventurous as our high school canoe trip! I'm glad you made it back safely. We should let our wolf packs play together sometime. Mine need the exercise...